Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Randomize
