I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Randomize
