remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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