DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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