You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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