he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
