what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
