So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
