ugly people sure do ruin things
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
did i walk over a car last night?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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