I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
