You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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