This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
