He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
