I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i drank out of a bidet.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I lost the right to judge tonight
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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