I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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