I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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