We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
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