I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
