So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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