everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
