if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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