Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
