I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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