what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
