he referred to my room as the tit cave...
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
