the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
