Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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