I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
