When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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