I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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