I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
