We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
