Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Tell her she can't have a vagina
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
