If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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