Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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