The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
