I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
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