I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Randomize
