his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
