I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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