4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
