i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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