just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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