I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
