I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
