3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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