...so i touched it.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
