On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
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