Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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