Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
