i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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