she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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