I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
