omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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