VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
