on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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